For the 0000.01% of you that wandered in unaware, just abandon all hope. This is about as good as I get.
Now that we have that out of the way...let's get to blogging. *rubs hands together*
Okay, first of all, never have I ever been so happy for the weekend. It's just been a very long, busy week and it seemed like the universe was out to get me. I was surrounded by people either saying or doing the absolute fool. I needed my number two pencil because these heaux was testing, hunny. To make matters worse, my old faithful friend The Internet, aka Webby, seemed to be in on the plot because whenever I stole a few minutes to log on in an attempt to escape offline drama, I found myself surrounded by online drama.
Et tu, Webby? Et tu?
Seriously,everywhere I turned people were salty about something and after awhile I was looking at my computer like this:
Fine. I'm being dramatic. There was no actual flailing and weeping on my part but I came close. It just seemed like every two minutes conversations turned into controversies on some of my favorite sites. Some of the issues were serious (colorism and racism in Hollywood), some were trifling (ya'll really signing petitions about a toddler's hair? Bye Felicia) and others were thought provoking (are members of marginalized groups obligated to be "grateful" for representation even if they feel that representation is inaccurate or hurtful) but they all made me pull a Blue's Clues and sit down in my thinking chair. One issue in particular centered around criticism and the role that "honesty" plays when being critical. The particulars of the situation aren't important (nobody asked me but I think a mountain was made where a molehill would have sufficed #ButThat'sNoneOfMyBusiness) but as I was mulling it over I realized how often people say the harshest thing in the harshest possible way and then claim amnesty from hurt feelings or heated responses by pulling the "honesty" card out of the deck. But are they really being honest? And even if they are, does "honesty" mean saying whatever you want, however you want, without repercussions or response?
In All Honesty...
Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I have very strong opinions about pretty much everything and rarely do I shy away from expressing them. I can be extremely critical and if something isn't my cup of tea I have no problems saying so. No one will ever accuse me of having a case of the hush mouth. The thing is though, I believe there are others ways to decline a sippy sip rather than just spitting in the brew and declaring it too nasty for human consumption. I think there are a plethora of ways to make dislike or distaste known without going all the way in like Latrice Royale reading a bitch for filth. Now, I won't front. There are occasions where you just have to verbally snatch a wig off. It's an unfortunate state of affairs when that happens but there are times when it's necessary. However, it's my opinion that those times are few and far between. Quick life lesson: If you're scraping from the bottom of friends and family barrel, you will stay dealing with those basics among us who only respond to reading, rather than reason. As such, this type of situation becomes the rule rather than the exception. If this is your present set of circumstances upgrade darling, and upgrade immediately. Those special cases duly acknowledged, when it comes to dealing with the rest of the population I truly believe that a snatch and grab should not be the default delivery one uses to dispense their criticisms and complaints.
Which isn't to say that there's anything wrong with being critical. I am not one who feels that we must like everything and everyone. Oh no ma'am. I am not here for that. We all have our standards and the reality is that some people, places and things, upon inspection will be found lacking. When that happens, I don't find any fault in letting that be known (particularly if someone asks you or the circumstances are such that you're supposed to be giving feedback) but I don't buy into this mindset that that being critical and being kind are mutually exclusive. I don't think that "keeping it real" means cutting someone down like George Washington swinging at a cherry tree. I believe you can be critical without being cruel. Whether we're talking movies that didn't pass the muster, singers who can't sang (and yes I do mean sang), books that were a waste of time and ink, or fashion that flops so badly that not even Tim Gunn could make it work cruelty free criticism is a thing that exists. Be witty, be funny, be direct, be brief, be blunt, be comprehensive, make a "sandwich" (start with something you like, put your criticisms in the middle, end on a positive note), or make like it's Festivus and air your grievances in the order in which they appeared but there's no need to be beastly. You can be, of course, but it's not a requirement. It doesn't make the criticism any more valid to go in like you're Azealia Banks gearing up for a Twitter beef and it doesn't negate the criticism if it's delivered with a gentle touch rather than a knockout blow.
If my friend puts on an outfit that's only appropriate for rodeo or circus clowns and asks for my opinion of course I'm not going to let my girl leave the house looking like she was styled by all three of the blind mice. So yes, I'm going to tell her that her outfit will have the fashion police issuing citations. But I'm going to do it without verbally dragging her by her lace front like I'm Porsha Stewart and she's Kenya Moore. I believe that there's a way to say *almost* anything you wish to say, that's it's possible to tell your truth, and maintain your integrity while allowing the person you are dropping your truth bomb on to retain their dignity.
But that's just the surface level of where my thoughts took me. Even after coming to those conclusions I had to dig a little deeper because I wasn't quite settled. There was still something heavy taking up residence in the corner of my mind letting me know I still had an eviction notice left to serve. After a little reflection I realized what was troubling me was how often there is the deliberate use of the word "honesty" in situations when I'm not so sure it applies.
It occurs to me that a great deal of the time when people get in trouble for saying something they perhaps should have kept to themselves they're quick to use the "I was just being honest" defense. I feel like that's a bit of a misdirection and misrepresentation because they aren't getting in trouble for being honest, they're getting into hot water for being opinionated and even moreso to the point, they're being called on the carpet for the manner in which they chose to express those opinions.
Here's my thought process. Honesty is related to truthfulness. Truthfulness requires some level of factual information. Disneyland opened in 1955. That is a fact. Disneyland sucks. That is an opinion. No matter how Gone With the Wind fabulous we may feel we are, I think we still have to acknowledge there is a difference between stating a fact and offering an opinion.
So why then, are so many people quick to claim "honesty" when sharing their opinions? I think it's because honesty is seen as a good thing. It's a quality that we value. As a word, honesty has currency. By contrast, being opinionated is often seen as a negative and the word doesn't seem to be worth much. I mean, we've all heard that saying comparing opinions to a specific part of our anatomy and pointing out that everybody has one. Due to that, I feel like people have started to sort of hide behind the phrase "I'm just being honest." Especially in online interactions. If someone says something harsh and the other person complains about the "honesty" they get labeled butthurt and called out for overreacting, often by more than just the original perpetrator. Even people who disagree with what was said will often defend the person's right to have said it and chastise anyone who reacts negatively. On the other side of the coin, if someone says "That's just my opinion", that seems to change the game. Once "honesty" gets taken off the table, everyone and their Big Mama feels that they can then weigh in and there's a more open exchange of viewpoints. Not that it's always kept classy (looking at you Lipstick Alley lol) but it seems to me that when honesty gets removed from the equation people are a lot less likely to treat an opinion like the verbal Holy Grail. It's no longer considered bad form to challenge what was said.
Maybe I'm overthinking it. But I think that language is important and the words we use have intention. There's a line from India.Arie's song "Video" where she says "Now, don't be offended/This all my opinion/ain't nothing that I'm saying law..." and I dig that mindset because it's an acknowledgement that your truth is not necessarily the truth. At the end of the day it comes down to me feeling like using words like "honesty" and "truth" give weight to a statement that words like "I think" and "opinion" do not.
Disagree? Feel free to let me know.
ReplyDeleteCan I ask about your old writings?